The Many Faces of Mary Sue
by psychotic kitten
Summary: My unofficial guide to PotC Mary Suedom. Sit back and relax as I pick apart and explain the many faces of Mary Sue, her predicable tendencies, plot clichés, canon corruptions, and general overall hideousness...
1. Introduction

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Pirates of the Caribbean: The Many Faces of Mary Sue

by psychotic kitten

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters from _Pirates of the Caribbean_ nor do I claim to be responsible for creating any of these types of Mary Sues. I am merely pointing them out and making fun of them. Also, I don't claim to be the first person to make a guide such as this. The original one (which is for LotR fanfiction) was made by Feana Puddlefoot and she deserves credit for it. My version is based on hers but with my own twists and turns. And obviously, it's for PotC fanfiction, not LotR.

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Introduction

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I'll admit it, I've created her at some point in my life, and I'm sure you have too. I'm talking, of course, about Mary Sue. She's perfect, she's beautiful, she's tragic, she's unoriginal. We hate her. Why? Because perfect, beautiful, tragic, unoriginal people are boring to read about. But you already knew that.

What you may not know is that Mary Sue has evolved. That's right folks, she's not the virgin next door anymore. In fact, now she can be Jack Sparrow in drag, a redheaded Elizabeth, a corset-hating noblewoman, or a cross-dressing pickpocket. And those are just a few of the new Sues who have swam their way oh-so gracefully into the Caribbean.

Some can become interesting characters if you give them depth and stick them in an original plot. But if your story consists of Mary Sue being proposed to by Norrington, having Jack Sparrow dive in the ocean to save her, finding a cursed treasure that makes you immortal, and getting marooned on a godforsaken spit of land where Mary Sue burns the rum and has sex with Jack, I strongly advise you to pay very close attention.

In the next chapters I will pick apart and explain the many faces of Mary Sue, her predicable tendencies, plot clichés, canon corruptions, and general overall hideousness.

Keep in mind I'm not trying to bash Mary Sue because, honestly, she's too funny for me to hate. But I'm not taking the blame for offending anyone, so if I do, I say it's your own fault for being so sensitive and not understanding the concept of a joke. This guide is for you to laugh at and learn from. I'm open to ideas that anyone wants to add, so don't be shy. Also, feel free to let me know what you think. I live off of good and bad reviews so anything you say can only benefit me!

Now that that's taken care of, off to the first chapter...

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	2. Flavors

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**Chapter 1: Flavors**

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_Mary Sue comes in all different flavors, but not different sizes I'm afraid. Sorry to disappoint you gents who like variety..._

This chapter consists of what I have decided to call the "flavors" of Mary Sue. Some are rare, most are common. They fall for either Jack or Will, but Jack wins by far. Most will have sex, but a strange few are too pure for such acts. They all have a tragic, horrible past except for the pure ones, who are, as already stated, too pure for such acts. They have special abilities and traits that stand out which separate them from each other. But there is one thing they have in common. They are Mary Sues. And that is a crime enough.

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**Flavor:** Classic Sue

She's the one we all hate. The little bitch who started Mary Suedom. She's your typical Miss America, blonde bombshell, prom queen type of girl. She's perfect and amazing. Enough said.

**Common/Rare:** Common

**Distinguishing Traits:** Her hair's blonde and it shines like the sun. Her eyes can be an "ocean blue", "striking violet" (which is not humanly possible; but that's okay, the rules don't apply to her), or sometimes "emerald green." Boring colors such as brown, black, gray, or hazel aren't good enough for Classic Sue. All the crewmembers love and adore her, except Ana Maria whom Classic Sue killed with her shinning dagger because she was a stop sign on her road to Jack. Everything about her is amazing, perfect, and graceful. She never looses her cool even though she is probably described as "feisty." Are you getting sick yet?

**Special Abilities:** She's the best at everything. I don't know where to start or finish.

**Love Interest:** Mostly Jack, but then again, Will's a sucker for treasure. Both Jack and Will will probably be taken by her beauty, fighting skills, and "passion" from the first minute they see her. They might even fight against each other in order to win this fair lady's heart.

**Past:** Always, always horribly tragic. She was probably raped by her uncle, beaten by her father, or abandoned as a young child where she grew up on the streets and didn't die because she's so amazing. She will probably start to breakdown and cry when she is telling Jack or Will this. The author thinks this is showing "weakness." It's a cry for attention. She may say she doesn't want your pity, but she's a dirty liar.

**Will she have sex?:** Yep. And she was probably Jack's best lay ever, disregarding the fact that Jack's been with many whores and harlots who practice giving blowjobs every night. But then I forgot... She's the best at _everything_.

**Is she redeemable?:** Nope. Plain and simple.

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**Flavor:** Jack Sue

She's what I like to call the "Jack Impersonator." I personally think she should go back to Las Vegas with all the Elvis impersonators because, as much as we love Jack, the world can't handle two of him.

**Common/Rare:** Pretty damn common

**Distinguishing Traits:** She normally has "rich, long, flowing locks" of brown or black hair. Sometimes it's done up in braids and dreads like Jack's with trinkets too. Next thing you know she'll be trying to grow a goatee. Her clothes are Jack's hand-me-downs which are artfully torn to show off her "voluptuous" body. She acts, walks, talks, drinks, and thinks like Jack. Did I mention she has her own ship? Well, she does, and it's as fast as the _Black Pearl_. It's probably called the _Black Horizon_ or some other equally corny name that borderlines plagiarism.

**Special Abilities:** She's a master sword fighter and probably beats Jack and/or Will in a fight. She's dishonest, feisty, smartassed, and can talk her way out of anything. Sound familiar? Oh yeah, she can seduce any man and afterwards cut his dick off if she loses interest. What can I say? She's one tough girly.

**Love Interest:** Jack. Have you been paying attention?

**Past:** She's probably the daughter of a pirate who taught her everything she knows. Her mom was probably a whore, but she would "rather die than make money off of pleasure" even if that meant killing people who had mistaken her as whore and stealing food in order to maintain her "womanly" figure. Later on in her action filled life she probably thought it would be a good idea to find a crew and a boat and sail the seas. The story of how she brainwashed all these pirates into joining a woman's crew is never mentioned because the author would sound really stupid if she said, "They were so scared of her so they let themselves take orders from a bitch they could snap in half with their bare hands."

**Will she have sex?:** Hell yes! Her and Jack can be heard screaming each other's names out in ecstasy from down in the brig. She's very wanton.

**Is she redeemable?:** If she became her own person, maybe. It depends on how realistic her life as a pirate is portrayed and how well she interacts with Jack without sounding like him. The only reason I'm not outright saying no is because it's fun reading about a strong woman, as long as she seems human.

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**Flavor:** Misunderstood Lady Sue

She can be called the "Elizabeth Impersonator" because basically everything that happened to Elizabeth will happen to her only with different people. Or the same. Originality isn't big in Sue fics.

**Common/Rare:** Common

**Distinguishing Traits:** She can have blonde to brown to red hair which is usually "flowing down her back" even though women in those days didn't wear their hair down unless they were a whore. But you can't expect a Suethor to know _that_. She's born into a noble, rich family but does not act like a noble, rich lady. She refuses to wear a corset, she won't marry the Commodore after he proposes, she has a secret desire to meet a pirate, and she will probably be kidnapped by Jack for some irrelevant reason. Kind of like our dear Lizzie's story? It gets worse. Sometimes she'll even replace Elizabeth if Will is her man of choice. He'll have to go save another bonnie lass from the hands of a pirate. That poor blacksmith. He didn't even get the chance to go to his wife's funeral after she was cruelly killed off.

**Special Abilities:** For some unknown reason she can swordfight. Usually it's Will who taught her, not thinking it odd for a woman to want to cut people's throats open. She probably wants to do this to be "rebellious", not to protect herself from non-existing foes. She's also probably very feisty and good at arguing. Don't ask me why you would need to be if you were living in a place where you were treated so courteously.

**Love Interest:** Jack or Will. They both want to corrupt her innocence, which is still there underneath her new clothes she stole from Jack.

**Past:** Her past is not necessarily bad, though she does constantly whine and bitch about being "misunderstood." She's lived a normal noble life that's led her to want to pursue a life of adventure. She now probably wishes she could be a pirate.

**Will she have sex?:** Sometimes. She's still a lady deep down so she's a little too pure to just jump in bed with Jack. It usually takes him a couple of sequels to finally pop her cherry because he "respects" her so much. If she goes with Will they will get married and then have sex. It's only proper. Even though she doesn't consider herself "proper." Make sense to you? Me neither.

**Is she redeemable?:** Yes, but you have to make her original. And you can't kill Elizabeth. Nor can you steal her personality.

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**Flavor:** Fighter Sue

She can be related to Jack Sue because they both wear men's clothing and fight and stuff. And Jack falls in love with them because they are so untamable. But that's just a minor detail here.

**Common/Rare:** Between common and rare. She's not seen that much anymore but she's still there, lurking in the shadows...

**Distinguishing Traits:** She's brave and tough and still a virgin. She could be a pirate or just a common criminal and she probably meets Jack in a jail cell to show off how bad she is. She trusts no one and thinks of Jack as an idiotic drunk when she first meets him. Because she's stubborn, see? The author can't make romance that easy. She does, however, blush whenever Jack uses suggestive innuendos, despite being so "tough." She usually has dark hair that's curly but not dirty, or wavy but not frizzy. How Fighter Sue manages that with all the fighting she does I'd like to know because that's the shampoo we should all be using. She also wears men's clothing because you can't possibly look tough in a dress. I'd like to see her try.

**Special Abilities:** She's a fighter, master of witty banter, and sometimes she'll even pretend to seduce men only to kick them in the balls and steal their money before they even get so much as a kiss. Because she's never been kissed, you see. That's Jack's job. She's also kind of, I guess you could say, paranoid, so she carries various kinds of weapons on her, and she can expertly wield each one of them. She's never missed a target when shooting a gun, not even on her first try. She's also, you guessed it, feisty. It's funny how that word keeps coming up, ain't it? Surprisingly she can also sing, which is just to show her "soft, sensitive side."

**Love Interest:** Jack

**Past:** Full of pain and agony. She may have been raped if she's not a virgin and that's why she's so sexually repressed. She might have even seen her parents or her friend or someone she cared about die so she becomes bitter and bitchy about life. You can expect a long dramatic speech about this point in her life so I won't pick at the details. All I can say is there's a bad mother, abusive father, or enemy whom she wants revenge against in there somewhere and I don't want to burden you with Fighter Sue's horrible burdens. I can just say that they're tragic. Very tragic. If she managed to pick up a map of buried treasure along the way, she'd be lucky. Which she did, so she is. Which means she needs to shut the fuck up about her miseries and find that treasure. Or have Jack find it. Either one.

**Will she have sex?:** Yes. After Jack breaks her down with his charm and dashing good looks, of course.

**Is she redeemable?:** I guess, but I find it hard to believe you can be a killer and a virgin at the same time...

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**Flavor:** Cross-Dressing Sue

Is she a man or a woman? We don't know. Jack will find out. Don't worry...

**Common/Rare:** Between common and rare

**Distinguishing Traits:** She wears men's clothing and doesn't have much of a story behind it except she _loathes_ dresses. She can be anything from a barmaid to a pickpocket to a stowaway on the _Pearl_. She may not be as tough as Fighter Sue but she knows where the treasure is. And that's a good enough reason for Jack. She's pretty and has whatever color hair you want except dirty blonde. That's a no-no in suedom. As all Sues, she has "curves in all the right places", disregarding the fact that it's impossible to tell when she's hiding underneath all those rags she insists on wearing.

**Special Abilities:** Sometimes she can fight, sometimes she can steal. Sometimes you have no idea why she's there. She does surprise you with a few gambling tips, and drinking challenges in which she beats everyone. But other than that she's kinda dull. Oh yeah, she resisted the urge to become a whore. The author always slips that little tidbit in there.

**Love Interest:** Jack

**Past:** It can be bad, it can be horrible. Sometimes it's okay. She probably thinks it's horrible either way. That's why she ran away. Because her daddy was mean to her. Yeah...

**Will she have sex?:** Sometimes... She just plays hard to get.

**Is she redeemable?:** Absolutely. She just needs to be thrown into an original enough plot and given some more personality. She needs depth, not just her surface reason for being there which is to help Jack find the treasure.

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**Flavor:** Streetwalking Sue

Technically she's not a streetwalker because that would mean she chose to be a whore. And the author can't have that. It's just that Streetwalking Sue has such a better ring to it than Whore Sue, so forgive me for naming her improperly. Basically she's Classic Sue living in a brothel, waiting for her one true love.

**Common/Rare:** Very rare. No one wants to write a story about a whore because apparently they are evil people who are unimportant, slutty, and ditzy. This shows how naive many authors are. I respect anyone who tries to write a prostitute as their main character solely because most people will be too narrow-minded to read it. Too bad the authors themselves have no idea how to portray a whore.

**Distinguishing Traits:** She's a whore, yes, but all she really wants is for someone to love her for her, not her beautiful body. She's got beautiful glossy hair that's usually "cherry red" or some other edible color. She has beautiful eyes that are usually the same as Classic Sue because for Jack to love a whore, she has to stick out. When Jack meets her he is instantly taken away by her beauty. Sometimes she will beat up a man who's hitting on her for no reason (other than to impress Jack), when in real life, if she were to commit such an act she would probably be fired from the brothel and thrown out into the streets. Serves her right.

**Special Abilities:** She can seduce any man and she gives the best head in all of Tortuga. No make that all of the Caribbean since she's _so_ notorious for being a harlot. She can probably sing very well too. She's feisty and will most likely reject Jack when she meets him because the author needs to create some sexual tension or there is no point in the story at all.

**Love Interest:** Jack

**Past:** There's almost always a controlling man behind her profession as a whore. She has a very tragic past that she will tell Jack about when she first meets him because that is the only way Jack would allow a whore on board other than obvious reasons (his own personal Playmate). He feels sorry for her. Or so the author thinks. But what do they know?

**Will she have sex?:** She's not a whore for nothing.

**Is she redeemable?:** Yes, if you take into account the reality of the whore business. And you don't make her into a Playboy Barbie.

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**Flavor:** Relative Sue

She's Jack's daughter! She's Elizabeth's cousin! She's related to the main canon characters and that's all there is to her. Because without them she would be nobody.

**Common/Rare:** Horribly common

**Distinguishing Traits:** She comes in many varieties. She can be Will and Lizzie's baby who meets Jack and ends up having sex with him, completely oblivious to the fact that Jack would be in his fifties by then. Or it's the other way around and she's the byproduct of a night Jack and a random whore spent together (which they remember and don't doubt that Jack is the father). She probably hooks up with Will's kid and they make babies and pretty soon Jack and Will are practically brothers. Other times she's even Elizabeth's, Jack's, or _((screams))_ Will's long lost sister. Let me just inform you: WILL IS AN ONLY CHILD! I don't care what your fucking excuse is. Bootstrap Bill and Will's mother only conceived _once_. Otherwise the entire movie would be pointless. If she's Will's _half_ sister from his mother's side, maybe I'll make an exception. But it's still a cliché idea that's been done a zillion times so she's still to blame. Relative Sue herself is amazing, blah, blah, blah. We don't care. She's the devil's spawn and she deserves to go back to hell where she belongs.

**Special Abilities:** It can be any variety of other Sues' abilities but it's always something that draws awed attention to herself.

**Love Interest:** Jack or Will and scarily Jack or Will's sons

**Past:** Well that depends on who she grows up with. Long lost sisters usually have some kind of tragic version of how they got separated from their siblings. The others live a pretty wholesome life. Until pirates comes along...

**Will she have sex?:** Maybe. It's hard to predict.

**Is she redeemable?:** Could be if she's Elizabeth's cousin or Jack's sister and she falls in love with Jack or Will. But even that can be boring because it's been done before. Daughters of Jack or Will I'm going to say are _not_ redeemable because they usually fall in love with Jack or Will who are old by that time. And that would be just plain wrong. But I guess if it floats your boat...

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**Flavor:** Time-Traveling Sue

"Todo, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." She fell out of the sky and no one thinks that's a little odd.

**Common/Rare:** Very, very common

**Distinguishing Traits:** She's Classic Sue from the 21st century. She sings songs with her friends (more annoying teenagers on crack) who usually accompany her on this journey. They wear modern clothes, they bring their CD players with them, and they tell Jack and Will about America, Good Charlotte, and toilets. They use words like "hot", "cool", or "wazzup" and the canon characters don't think they are insane, raving lunatics. There's always crazy shit flying out of their mouths at random moments, but they still think they are oh-so cool. Plus they don't get stabbed or shot in Tortuga like they should. Pretty soon everyone on the _Pearl_ is dancing and rapping and rocking to Christina Aguilera, Eminem, or Marilyn Manson, depending on what music the author likes. It's a fucking nightmare.

**Special Abilities:** Who knows. The author forgot to mention. Maybe she doesn't have any.

**Love Interest:** Jack and Will. Those poor bastards.

**Past:** It depends. It can be bad, it can be normal. Sometimes Time-Traveling Sue is a depressed, suicidal teenager whose father beats her. Other times she's a regular, boring teenager who is a crazy PotC fangirl. You can never be sure.

**Will she have sex?:** Hell yes. Why put teenagers in the Caribbean if they don't get to fuck Jack and Will?

**Is she redeemable?:** Nope. Sorry. Can't see it working.

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**Flavor:** Stupid Sue

I wouldn't call her a Mary Sue as much as I would call her Mary Sue's best friend. She's the dumb one that makes Mary Sue look so brilliant.

**Common/Rare:** Pretty rare

**Distinguishing Traits:** She's there for no reason. She's not as pretty as Mary Sue but then again she's not ugly. This is so she can fall for the author's second choice which can be Jack or Will depending on their preference. She probably asks Mary Sue if she can tag along on the _Pearl_ and Jack lets her, despite that being a total of three women on board (if Ana Maria isn't mysteriously missing) and that would be bad luck times three according to Gibbs.

**Special Abilities:** None really... Mary Sue stole them all. Sometimes she can fight like Mary Sue but she's never as good. Mary Sue probably teases her and Stupid Sue is too stupid to have the ability to tell Mary Sue to shut the fuck up.

**Love Interest:** Jack or Will. Whoever the author likes less.

**Past:** Not too bad, not too good. I guess... It's usually never important enough to be mentioned.

**Will she have sex?:** If she does she's just talking about it to Mary Sue. The author never wastes smut scenes on her.

**Is she redeemable?:** I suppose if she wasn't so stupid. But then she wouldn't be Stupid Sue. So I guess, no.

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**Flavor:** You Sue

You are a Sue! People want to kill you! I'd run if I were you.

**Common/Rare:** Common even though it's not allowed here...

**Distinguishing Traits:** I don't know. Do you have any distinguishing traits? Are you special?

**Special Abilities: **Well, sometimes the author makes you a swordfighter. But I bet you can't really do that.

**Love Interest: **Who do you want? Jack or Will?

**Past:** What's your past? Was it tragic? Did you kill anyone? If you did I swear I won't tell.

**Will she have sex?:** Do you want to? You can have a threesome with Jack and Will if you want... The author's letting you decide...

**Is she redeemable?:** Are you redeemable? In PotC? Nope, sorry, you suck. Try another fandom.

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**Author's Note:** And that concludes the first chapter in my Many Faces of Mary Sue manual. In Chapter 2 you will come across many plot clichés... again. But until then, don't mix rum with brandy and have a lovely day.

P.S. If you think I missed any Sues please let me know. I'm trying to make this a thorough guide so I don't want to exclude anyone!

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	3. Flavors II

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**Chapter 2: Flavors II**

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_Today we're having a special... Six bonus flavors of Mary Sue brought to you by readers of fanfiction. Enjoy, but beware of side effects. They can result in beauty, brilliance, and almost certain death. Ye be warned._

Okay. So I lied. This chapter isn't about overdone plots. I recently decided to not post anything about plots until I finish going through everything that has to do with the OCs themselves. I just thought it would be a whole lot easier for people to read and it won't let me get unorganized.

In this chapter I have more Sues to bring to you, thanks to many reviewers. They helped me with some Sues I missed in my first chapter, plus another one just popped in my head that I hadn't realized before. I'm sorry this chapter isn't as long as the last one, but I hope it's enough to satisfy you till the next chapter.

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**Flavor:** Nurse Maid Sue

She's cures Jack's injuries but kills his character. She's so sickeningly pure you just wanna puke. _She's _the virgin next door. What she's doing in the Caribbean we'll never know.

**Common/Rare:** Kinda rare

**Distinguishing Traits:** She's beautiful with "silvery blonde" hair because that just screams innocence. Though I guess she could have regular blonde or "chocolate brown" hair if it looks angelic enough with her pasty skin. Her eyes are pale and bright and are usually described in a shitty metaphor that doesn't even make sense. She's kind, gentle, and naive, and takes care of Jack whenever he's hurt. This gives the author an excuse to toy with people's emotions and make them believe Jack is dead. Which I will admit _is _fun, but that's not the point. The author has to abuse this gift more than she should, because if not, Nurse Maid Sue would have nothing to do. The only reason she's there in the first place is because Jack saved her from being raped out of the goodness of his heart. Or some shit like that. This Sue does strange things to Jack.

**Special Abilities:** She has the most powerful ability of all Sues. She can make Jack cry. And fall "head over heels" in love with her. And make him get married. And maybe even have kids. But I'm getting scared just typing this so I won't go on any further... In short she makes Jack realize what love is when he's never had it in his life before. She's like a priest telling a prostitute to go to church on Sunday. The only thing different about her situation is that Jack actually listens. That poor brainwashed pirate.

**Love Interest:** Jack, though Will occasionally

**Past:** Well, it was probably tragic because we have to feel sorry for her. She was most likely an orphan who saw her parents die. Somehow she ends up in the governor's household, though it is never mentioned why. She is usually haunted by her parents death and believes she is what caused it. How sad. How tragic. Doesn't it make you want to cry? ... See, this bitch is a genius! She's making us feeling sorry for her. Or is she? She probably doesn't know it either way.

**Will she have sex?:** Yes, but only _after_ Jack or Will confess their undying love to her. Otherwise, she's not putting out for anyone. Prude.

**Is she redeemable?: **No. She's too pure, plain and simple. Plus, with her nun-in-training morals that never go away, despite ending up on a pirate ship, she's pretty boring. And do you really want a boring character? Because I'll make fun of you if you do.

_((This Sue was brought to you by __**Kilala81**.))_

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**Flavor:** Old Flame Sue

She already knows Jack and she probably already had sex with him. Which makes you wonder why you're even reading about her at all. Flashbacks aren't as interesting as you think they are. Especially when they strike without warning every three sentences.

**Common/Rare:** Not too common...

**Distinguishing Traits:** Well, as already mentioned, she knows Jack. She could be any mixed variety of the other Sues. The author thinks they are being clever when they add in her acquaintance with Jack. They are trying to trick you into wondering what happened ten years ago when Mary Sue stands right before your eyes, flashing you her perfect smile. Sometimes she hates Jack because of something he did in the past and will slap and whack him on the head for something he probably didn't deserve. Other times she's been waiting for him for all these long years and is thrilled to see him. But usually she hates him. One thing I find rather funny about Old Flame Sue is that she sounds suspiciously like Ana Maria. She knew Jack, she slaps him, he deserved it, she's tough, she's female... Oh yeah. She's not white. And she doesn't have shinny, perfect hair. Oops.

**Special Abilities:** Any other Sues' abilities. Though Jack loves the fact that she hates dresses and can beat the shit out of people.

**Love Interest:** Jack. Duh.

**Past:** Sad. Always sad. Jack probably left her to pursue his life of pirating and she is angst filled and pissed because he was supposed to love _her_, not his bloody boat. Shows how much she knows about Jack. Selfish little wench.

**Will she have sex?:** Of course. Make up sex is always the best, you know.

**Is she redeemable?:** Personally, I don't think so, but I have seen it done nicely before. If you want her to be an old flame, simply write a prequel and then the sequel. It's better than trying to stick two stories together with super glue. It's a lot less messier.

_((This Sue was brought to you by __**dreadlockedpencil**.))_

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**Flavor:** Blind Sue

She's a blind version of Classic Sue. The author probably thinks she's brilliant for giving her character a disability, the manipulating little fangirl. Well, you can't really call it a disability if she can do everything normal people do, now can you?

**Common/Rare:** She's becoming more and more common.

**Distinguishing Traits:** She's blind, brilliant, and beautiful. How she manages looking insanely pretty without eyes and a mirror we'll never know. Jack probably doesn't even know she's blind when he first meets her because Blind Sue is oh-so good at disguising this fact. He's amazed, blah, blah, blah when he finds out she is blind and how she survived living in Tortuga when you have to duck every minute due to the bullets that go flying around all the time. At the end of the story sometimes she'll even get her sight back. Yeah... _((screams and pulls Blind Sue's hair))_ PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN DO THAT NOW! How the fuck do you think she's gonna find good eyes in the 1700s?! The author can't think of any reasonable excuse so she makes Jack find some kind of magical treasure with the help of the blind bitch herself, and it makes her "all better again."

**Special Abilities:** Surprisingly, for some unknown reason, she can do all the things pirates can do. She swordfights, she gambles, she steals, she lies. How she manages this is quite a curious thought because I find it hard to believe you can play poker when you can't see your cards or other people's faces. But she's a Sue so I guess I shouldn't bother to ask.

**Love Interest:** Jack but sometimes Will. And Elizabeth is missing because Blind Sue can't see her, therefore the rest of us can't either. Very clever little trick.

**Past:** She's misunderstood, underestimated, and there's always a tragic story of how she lost her eyesight. Or maybe she was born blind. It's still just as tragic because she'll "never get to see the world in all it's beauty" or some other poetic reason stating why we should feel sorry for her.

**Will she have sex?:** Always. And it's told from her point of view so we don't get any goodies about what Jack looks like when he cums.

**Is she redeemable?:** Nope. Maybe in some other fandom, but in Tortuga you need all your senses or you _will_ die (I'll make an exception for Mr. Cotton because it's only his tongue). If it was some other disability and the author incorporates the things she can't do in the story, maybe I'll make an exception. But I still don't think she would last on a pirate ship, whoever she is.

_((This Sue was brought to you by __**Mad Scientist**.))_

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**Flavor:** Shapeshifting Sue

She's a chameleon that changes whenever the author feels like it's a good idea. Since she doesn't really have a steady personality, you'll have to bear with me and try not to scream.

**Common/Rare:** Rare

**Distinguishing Traits:** Well, she's always beautiful, but her appearance changes from day to day. One day her hair could be curly, the next day it's straight. Like they had curling irons and hair straighteners back in the 1700's. Sometimes her skin is "aristocratically pale", other days it's "sun-kissed." Her eyes probably change colors too. Her personality is just as odd. She's shy and timid one minute but in an hour she can be found beating a pirate to the pulp. This is what Jack loves about her. She has some kind of split personality that changes with Jack's moods. Jack may want a curvy woman one moment so she develops a voluptuous figure for the occasion, while some other time Jack may want a model-esque wench so she appears to go on a diet to fulfill his needs. Overall, she's extremely confusing. So much to the point where you want to wring her ever-changing neck.

**Special Abilities:** She has many abilities, but they can change too. I don't feel like explaining them because I might get a migraine. You might too.

**Love Interest:** Jack

**Past:** Another thing that changes. Though, thankfully, it's like all other Sues' in one way: it's very tragic. One day she's crying to Jack about how her mother used to beat her, the next day she's whining over her brother's friend raping her. And she probably tells Jack later, before they have sex (or right in the middle of it), that she's a virgin. She's a liar, and she knows it.

**Will she have sex?:** Maybe. One day she'll be in the mood and she'll try to seduce Jack, but halfway through she'll say something about it "not being right" and she'll leave poor Jack all alone with a hard-on and not think anything of it.

**Is she redeemable?:** No. Unless she has some kind of schizophrenic disorder that is mentioned, she shouldn't be so unrealistically unpredictable. And I don't mean like "Jack unpredictable-ness" but the kind that would never happen in real life, unless you were in this day and age and you dyed your hair a different color every day.

_((This Sue was brought to you by __**Promised Chance**.))_

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**Flavor:** Barmaid Sue

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, bring me some rum." She's the prudish version of Streetwalking Sue. She sits in her tower, awaiting her prince. In the Caribbean, that translates to working in a pub and hoping for freedom (which, incidentally, involves Jack).

**Common/Rare:** Common

**Distinguishing Traits:** She's beautiful, nice, and feisty. She yearns for adventure because she's been cooped up in a pub her whole life. She lives in either Port Royal or Tortuga and wants to get out because she can't stand her mildly easy life anymore, even though if she were to go on an "adventure" it'd be hard to find a place to eat and sleep for free. She's probably been propositioned by many men but told off each one of them without getting raped, beaten, or maimed for life. Because she would never become a whore. And she doesn't just mention this fact. She _elaborates_ on it and writes a whole paragraph about it because saying a simple "I don't want to fuck men for money" wouldn't get the point across.

**Special Abilities:** Well, I'm not sure really. But she learns how to use a sword faster than a normal person would. She can do it in a dress too. Without ripping it. Or dying. Plus, she's probably very good at arguing.

**Love Interest:** Jack but I've seen Will too

**Past:** Well it has to be tragic or else how would she end up working in a pub? There are so many things that could've happened to this poor, poor girl that I won't say because I fear you've heard them a million times already. They're bad. And morally wrong. That should be enough for you.

**Will she have sex?:** Well... Yeah. Of course she will. Because she was Jack's Virgin-in-Tortuga challenge. And what Jack wants, Jack gets. So yeah, she gets laid.

**Is she redeemable?:** I'd say yes because it's a good place to start with an OC. But when she yearns for adventure and jumps at the first chance Jack gives her to board his ship, I'd advise to use your brain and ask yourself this: would I, myself, trust a pirate? If you say yes, you have just given me a reason to hit you. Congratulations.

_((This Sue was brought to you by __**MISS-SOPHIA**.))_

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**Flavor:** Magical Sue

She's a witch! She's a siren! She's _magical_. But so misunderstood... Because the world can't handle all her greatness. Life's a bitch, ain't it?

**Common/Rare:** I'm gonna say common but I haven't seen a whole lot of her lately...

**Distinguishing Traits:** Well, she's marvelous, mysterious, and magical. Three m's that should never belong together. She is superhuman, yet she's probably very innocent. She may like her powers or they might be a curse. Either way, Jack is hypnotized by her because she is so powerful. Her appearance is always somehow mysterious. Like sometimes she'll wear a cloak over a long flowing dress. And she doesn't die from the heat of the Caribbean.

**Special Abilities:** If she's a witch, sometimes she's portrayed as the type of witches from a show like Charmed. Other times the author will try to incorporate Wiccan traditions just to say she did her research even though half of it is wrong. Other times her magic is just one power of some sort. Like telekinesis. And she is a pickpocket because that's just _too_ convenient. Even other times she's a siren or mermaid and can lure men to their deaths like sirens and mermaids do. But then she falls in love with Jack. Somehow. Don't ask me.

**Love Interest:** Jack

**Past:** She was probably persecuted, and if the author is stupid enough, she will say Magical Sue avoided being burned at the stake. Because that, of course, happened in the Caribbean all the time. Or so she thinks. Magical Sue was never liked by anyone and they all thought she was the devil's spawn and evil and bad. So in essence, I'd say it was horrible. And depressing. And sad. And– I'll stop there.

**Will she have sex?:** Maybe. It depends on what she is. If she has a tail and no legs (which I'm guessing equals no vagina) I don't see how it's possible. The author will make up a reason, don't worry...

**Is she redeemable?:** I don't think so. There's only one story I've seen done nicely where the main character had a magical power, and the character herself was _not_ mysterious, _not _marvelous, but very human. Other than that, I'd say this Sue sucks.

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**Author's Notes:** I hope everyone likes this chapter. Stay tuned for the next chapter in which I will go through the common overall traits of Mary Sue. The horror that never changes no matter who the Sue is...

Wow! So many reviews! I don't think I've ever gotten this many at once!

Thanks to:

**Kilala81: **Thanks again for the Sue! I'm so glad you like this so far. I agree with you that there's so many hopeless writers out there. I'm here to help them. Or make fun of them. I can't really tell the difference. ;) Thanks again!** --- dreadlockedpencil: **Oh I used to write a lot of Mary Sue too. But that was a long time ago. I'm older and wiser now. I think. Plus I'm really glad you remembered Old Flame Sue. I completely forgot about her. I'm also so happy you like it so far!** --- Mad Scientist:** I really, really liked you description of Blind Sue as I'm sure you noticed because I tried to use some of your exact words to really give you credit for her. You would do good writing stuff like this, I can tell. And I'm so glad you mentioned her because I know I would've forgotten all about her blind, pitiful self.** --- SwordSwallower17: **Thanks a bunch, mate! And you made me remember how I forgot to give credit to the original writers. I'm so forgetful sometimes... Hope you like this chapter!** --- doctress:** Thanks for giving me a chance! While I'm not going to pretend some of this doesn't fall into the "bitchy" category I'm still writing this to help people with their stories. If I wanted to mock Mary Sue and only mock her I would've written a parody but I don't see the whole point in that. I'm glad you think this is "eye-opening" and I hope you like this chapter as much as the last.** --- randomreader:** I give hope! I never thought I'd hear that. But I do like the sound of it... Ripping apart Mary Sue is fun, isn't it? Thanks for the review!** --- gundamkiwi: **Informative and hilarious? That's exactly what I'm aiming for! Thanks a bunch for reviewing!** --- Promised Chance: **Thanks again for the Shapeshifting Sue! I didn't quite understand her in the beginning so thanks for giving me a description! You should get something for that. Do you want Jack Sue's ship? I'll give you that. ;)** --- Jemima Aslana:** I'm so thrilled you thought this was funny. I know I was trying to make it humorous, but as the author you never know what other people will get out of it. Thanks for the review!** --- Ani Sparrow:** Since I've never read you stories (though I am going to once I finish writing this) I can't be the judge of whether they're Mary Sues. But just remember, just because she may have some of the characteristics doesn't mean she's definitely, fully, completely Mary Sue. And some Sues are redeemable so if you make her more than a two-dimensional person she'll be doing just fine. Plus the reason why most of these Sues are classified as Sues is because they are unoriginal. Which means if you wrote your story a year or two ago, chances are, she was very original at the time. I'm glad you like this so far and I'm really flattered that you think it's "clever." I haven't gotten that in a review yet. :)** --- gwyn:** I'm glad you picked up on the "name game." It's got to be one of the most annoying things about Mary Sue, as I'm sure you agree since you wrote a very nice detailed paragraph about it. ;) But I didn't forget it. The only reason I didn't put it in with the flavors was because they could go with any Sue. That's gonna come up in the next chapter where I'll talk about Mary Sue in general. But thanks for the name Josephine. I forgot about that one. Hope you like the next chapter!** --- LOLgirl:** Thanks a bunch for the review! And feel free to use this if you're thinking of writing a story about Mary Sue! This is open to the public!** --- Snufflesgal:** Thanks! And feel free to use anyone or anything here in your story. I'm looking forward to seeing how you use this, so I'll be waiting for the next chapter!** --- rollinpeaches: **I'm so glad you think this is funny enough to laugh you ass off, because I imagine that would hurt. ;) And don't worry, I'm planning on covering every single gritty detail of Mary Sue and badfic while being as funny as possible. Thanks for reviewing!** --- MISS-SOPHIA: **Of course we'd be lost without Mary Sue! I wouldn't be able to have so much fun writing this if she didn't exist! And thanks for reminding me about Barmaid Sue. I originally put her in with Cross-dressing Sue but now that you mention it, she has more likenesses with Streetwalking Sue. Plus she's not always a chick in men's clothes. So thanks for that!

Keep these fabulous reviews coming!

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	4. Her Timeless Tendencies

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**Chapter 3: Her Timeless Tendencies**

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_Mary Sue may have many faces, but some things stay the same..._

Now that I've gone through the many flavors of Mary Sue, I have to address the things that are universal. And believe me, there are many, many things...

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**The Name Game**

Mary Sue's name is what really, truly defines her. If her name stands out, chances are, so will she. Which, to me, means if her name is horribly unpronounceable, horribly overused by other authors, or a name that isn't really a name at all, that gives me the right to point her out for being horribly horrible. Ha ha.

But how do you know what to name your character? Well there are some very good websites like behindthename(dot)com that can help. But if you insist on me telling you, here it goes...

**You know your character's name is nuttier than squirrel shit when...**

... it's your name, nickname, screen name, pen name, fake name, secret name, web name (that's including MySpace), or any other name that you, or any other living thing, refers to you as. I don't think I missed any names of yours there, but if I did, don't you dare use it. Because I will hunt you down, find you, and humiliate you if I find you are using your own name. There. Glad I got that out of my system.

... someone asks you how to pronounce it, or you feel the need to give readers a pronunciation key. Get rid of it. NOW. And if you're wondering if your OC's name falls into this category, don't even ask. Because if you do, readers will most likely beat you with a pitchfork and call you unpleasant names for being so, pardon me, fucking stupid. In other words, if you have to ask, you have a problem.

... it's any name that can be shortened to "Kat" or "Cat" unless you started writing your story at least three years ago when this name was still legal in PotC fanfiction. Katherine, Catherine, Katelyn, Katrina, Cathy, and so on are bad (unless you use the actual full name _all_ the time I'll say it's okay because those were very popular names back then). But please people, be creative. Dare to be different.

... it's also the name of a rock. Jade, Sapphire, Crystal, and Diamond are_ rocks _and not names that self-respecting mothers in the 18th century would've named their daughters. Maybe today people have some of these names, but back then they didn't. Plus everyone uses them in other mystical fandoms like Harry Potter and LotR so they are very unoriginal. And a pirate named Sapphire sounds kinda funny if you think about it.

... it can be shortened to a boy's name and that is the only reason you use it. Alexandra, Josephine, Jacqueline, and any others you can think of are okay as a full name but many authors use these names just because their character is a tomboy. When the kid was born I hardly think her mom knew she was going to have a fetish for britches when she grew up. It's just too damn convenient.

... it's what I like to call a "culture crisis." Now let me explain. This occurs when you have a very obviously Spanish girl with a name that a very obviously Irish girl would have. And said Spanish girl has absolutely no relationship with an Irish person whatsoever. People in those days did not have baby name books. If it didn't go with their culture they are likely to have never heard of the name before. So please, please don't go naming your redheaded, freckled, pale-skinned Irish girl Carmen. Her friends will laugh. And they have every reason to.

... it's a name that doesn't sound, look, smell, feel, or taste like a name. In other words, if it's a jumble of letters you just thought sounded cute together, throw it overboard. These are the names that even Jack would raise his eyebrows at. They make absolutely no sense whatsoever. And why, why, why do you want your character to have to suffer the humiliation of having a name no one's heard of? That's just setting her up for a lifetime of mockery. Not that she doesn't deserve it...

... it's Serena, Selene, Selena, Serenity or any other name that sounds remotely like these. Sure, they're pretty, but they have to be some of the most overdone names in the history of fanfiction. They're not cute anymore. I'm not giving you an excuse. Plus Serenity is what I like to call false advertising. Sure, your character's name may mean peace and calmness but if she's a Mary Sue she's probably neither of these lovely adjectives. And it's mean to lie. You might hurt Mary Sue's feelings.

... it's named after some kind of mythical creature or another animal that you think is oh-so cool. Phoenix, Raven, and Robin are animals that don't belong as names in this fandom. As for these bird names, I will tell you why I hate them. The author uses them for a reason. They can't think up a reasonable title for their story so they come up with the most sickeningly cheesy names like "The Sparrow and the Robin" or "A Tale of Two Birds." That's not clever. It's a really sad, pathetic attempt at being clever. It also makes people want to laugh at how sad, pathetic, and unclever it is. And you don't want people laughing at your title. Because guess what? Sadly, that whole "don't judge a book by it's cover" is bullshit. And readers know that. And soon you will too.

... it's a perfectly normal name, yet you feel the need to destroy it by playing letter manipulating games with it so it is not technically a real name anymore. Do not change i's to y's. It just makes you look like a blooming idiot. For example, Catherine is a good, strong name. Cathirine, Catharine, Catheryne, Catherene, and Cathrine are still the same name in essence but most of them aren't even alternative spellings of the real name. This annoys the shit out of me. People think they have created a new name when they do this. You haven't. Let me say that again: YOU HAVE NOT CREATED A NEW FUCKING ACCEPTABLE NAME! What you're doing is stealing many people's real names and doing horrible, evil things to it. And you wouldn't like it if someone fucked up your name, would you? No, I didn't think so.

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**Her Beautifulness**™

Now as we all know, Mary Sue is perfect. This of course means she has to have the perfect face, the perfect hair, the perfect eyes, the perfect tits, the perfect ass, the perfect height, the perfect -- you get the point. Keep in mind "perfect" can translate into "what the Suethor thinks is hot" or "the opinions of a teenage girl." And while there's nothing wrong with having opinions on hotness and being a teenage girl, it's very confusing when you can't tell one Mary Sue from another. Because for some reason, they're all the same...

**Her "Flawless" Face: **Her face is a work of art. All her features are perfectly shaped and sculpted with "sloping lines" and "graceful curves." She has a cute nose that's just the right size. Her lips are usually scrumptious and pouty and described numerous times, especially right before she's about to make out with someone. If her cheekbones, forehead, chin, or ears are described in more detail than "big" or "small", WATCH OUT, because no one in their right mind would really give a fuck about what someone's cheekbones, forehead, chin, or ears looked like unless they could make fun of them for having abnormally large features. Overall, her face is that of a model who's had plastic surgery quite a few times. And it _didn't_ go wrong. Dammit.

**Her "Delicious" Skin:** Her skin is smooth and silky and supple and tempting. She might be "aristocratically pale" with skin like porcelain which curiously never gets burned in the scorching hot sun. Apparently some people are under the influence that they had sunscreen back then. On the other end of things, her skin may have a "golden tan" or "sun-kissed glow" even if she's never been in the sun her entire life. These people I believe are under the influence that there were tanning salons back then. It's also almost never "dark brown" because god forbid Jack or Will fall in love with a black girl. But oh well... We can still hope, right? Also, Mary Sue has never had acne, oily skin, dry skin, cold sores, chapped lips, rashes, STDs (if she's a whore, that is), or body hair (except for you-know-where). That lucky bitch.

**Her "Luscious" Hair:** Her hair is really quite honestly scientifically amazing. It's never in tangles, it's always "cascading" down her back, it's never been dirty, it's shinny, it smells like flowers, and it's _fabulous_. It can be any color you can buy for $10 at your local drug store. For example, golden blonde, chocolate brown, fiery red, and raven black are some of Mary Sue's favorites. It's never dirty blonde, mousey brown, rusty red, or plain black because that's _ugly_. And Mary Sue's not _ugly_. Her beautiful color is accompanied by waves, straightness, or perfect curls. The words "frizzy" and "messy" are not in Mary Sue's vocabulary even though I imagine it's very humid and windy in the Caribbean. It's also almost always flowing down her back. And for those of you who didn't pay attention before, in those days that meant you were a whore. So maybe that's why she puts out so easily...

**Her "Sparking" Eyes:** Her eyes are probably the feature that stands out above all else because they are commented on in nearly every other sentence. It's true eyes are windows to the soul, but you don't need to describe them obsessively in order to see into Mary Sue's soul. We already know it's empty. But there's a lot to be said about the color of these "windows"... I mean, have you ever seen a real, true purple eye? No you probably haven't, and I'll tell you why: PURPLE EYES ARE EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY RARE! So rare, that they're usually found in albinos. And is Mary Sue an albino? Of _course _not! However, gray or hazel or plain brown eyes are quite common. But they don't sound as pretty as "sapphire blue" or "emerald green", especially when you add the long, thick eyelashes to top it off. Even though there was no mascara, of course. In addition, Mary Sue sometimes even has eyes that actually _((gasp)) _change colors. I know some people are expecting me to say it's bullshit, but guess what? My eyes change colors too! They can be greenish blue or bluish green or sometimes even greenish, bluish gray. However, they do not, and I repeat, DO NOT change from brown to blue to green to hazel to gray to red to purple depending on my mood. That's what people think is acceptable and they are W-R-O-N-G. Eyes can change color in different lights, but they don't turn blue just because you're feeling blue. _Big_ diff.

**Her "Voluptuous" or "Curves In All The Right Places" Body:** Her body is gravity defying. Usually she is slim, slender, and "delicate" with abnormally large boobs. Sometimes she's so muscular she could pass as a man if it weren't for her abnormally large boobs. She has Curves In All The Right Places which really means she's a size 2 with a size 12's boobs. There's really not much more to say about her body except it gives men of all kinds erections by just looking at it. These men can include pirates such as Jack, blacksmiths such as Will, beggars, prisoners, aristocrats, the Commodore, the Royal Navy, and maybe even the governor (because he's a dirty, dirty old man).

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**Her Fears And Foes**

You would think because of her seemingly perfect exterior, Mary Sue would have no fears or foes. But that's not the case whatsoever. In fact there are many things she's afraid of and many things that don't like her (not including us). Some of these things may surprise you (but they probably won't).

**Ugliness: **I don't think I need to explain this one. Or at least I _hope_ I don't...

**Elizabeth:** Mary Sue may say she likes Elizabeth, but we all know the truth. She's jealous, plain and simple. She's beautiful and married to a _gorgeous_ blacksmith. I mean, wouldn't you hate her? Sometimes Mary Sue gets off easy because Elizabeth is mysteriously missing. This could be because she's either dead or just plain out of the picture. This happens solely because Mary Sue knows that Elizabeth is just too awesome to compete with.

**Ana Maria:** Yes, it's true Ana Maria can be a bitch, but that's only because Jack stole her boat. Apparently Mary Sue is so threatened by her that if Ana appears in the story Mary Sue is likely to kick her ass. No one is quite sure why Ana Maria is so despised by Mary Sue, but I have an idea: she's Jack's ex-girlfriend (sorta)! And you know how women are about ex-girlfriends...

**Common Sense:** Yeah... I think this pretty much speaks for itself.

**Other Crewmembers:** The male crewmembers may _act_ like they like Mary Sue, but really the Black Pearl is like high school. They are relatively pleasant with her to her face, but behind her back they either hate her or want to do dirty things to her beautiful body. Or both. Either way, they don't like her because she's a women and we can thank Mr. Gibbs for letting us know that all women are bad luck. Mary Sue will take offense to this, but by the end of the story she'll realize they're right. This is because half the crew will probably be killed by some evil force who would much rather murder her, but she's way too selfish to die instead of them.

**Rum: **Why is rum a foe of Mary Sue? Well the same reason it's a foe for the rest of us mortals. It makes her dumb(er). And it makes her try to fuck Jack before she's destined to. So, yeah, it's _bad_.

**Jack (The Monkey):** He's too cute and even Mary Sue can't compete with an undead monkey.

**Prostitutes:** This one, of course, only applies to those Sues who are not _supposed_ to be whores. Or it may apply to them too because more likely than not, they probably never wanted to be one in the first place. But why does Mary Sue fear these ladies of the night? Because she's afraid Jack will cheat on her, of course! I mean, if she's a virgin, Jack's probably going to want to fulfill some of his more naughty desires with a women who knows what she's doing, not some squeamish, inexperienced girl who doesn't fully understand the concept of "knockin' boots."

**Flaws a.k.a. Deepness:** She has no weaknesses or flaws that are truly real. Sure she might be scared of spiders, but unless you have a giant Sue-eating spider in your story, it's hardly relevant. There's not much she's not good at and she's never described using "bad" adjectives. Basically, there's no depth to her. And this is probably the main reason we hate her.

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**Other Warnings**

There's a few other little (or not so little) things that Mary Sue is known for. Not all of these are mandatory for Mary Sue and not all of them immediately mean she is in fact a Sue. But too much of a good thing is bad. And when you put them all together, it's definitely too much for one bitch to handle.

**Her Ship:** Yes, some Sues actually have their very own beautiful boat. Excuse me, _ship_. It really is quite amazing because somehow some idiotic individual actually gave a _woman_ a ship and thought it was a good idea. She's the captain and, more often than not, she's a very "notorious" captain. I'm sure all the men are _so_ scared.

**Her Pet:** Sometimes Mary Sue has a little companion in the form of a bird, cat, dog, or maybe even monkey. Why? Because they're so cute! And she wouldn't be able to live without it because it's probably the only living creature on earth who "understands" her. Because dogs can understand. Right...

**Her Posse:** These are her "friends" that aren't quite as amazing as her, but they'll do. They're usually there to either set her up with Jack and/or Will and give her advice on all things dealing with love. Sometimes they're there to make her look smarter than she really is, and other times they're just there so she's not so alone on _The Pearl_. Because god forbid she make some new friends!

**Her Ass-Kicking Skills:** She can beat up Jack and Will and even Elizabeth if she has to. She's an ass-beating machine and she's not afraid to kick your balls and/or cut them off. She's a master at using a gun because, well, she's a master at everything, remember? She can also handle a sword quite well. Not _that_ sword, you perverted little freaks. A sword, _sword_ that's long and hard and stuff (again, perverts). Anyways, she can chop people's head off with one _swish,_ and she can do it better than Jack. So HA.

**Her Tragicness: **Yes, you knew it was coming, but sadly I had to save the saddest for last. Because once you've read this you might need a tissue. Or two. Because Mary Sue has been through shit. And I don't just mean shit, I mean stinky, nasty, smelly, plug-your-nose-with-a-clothes-pin **SHIT**. This **SHIT** can include any of the following: her parents abandoning her (awww), her killing her parents (but why?), her parents catching on fire (hahahaha), her parents beating her (ouch), her parents not understanding her (I wonder why), her daddy raping her (that's not cool), her mom whoring around town (but she _loves_ you), her parents being alcoholics (because of her), her parents being too nice and/or stupid (a child's dream), her parents being rich and not caring about her (but at least you have tasty food!), her getting raped randomly or by some guy she knew (this is why men can't be trusted), being a prostitute (because what else is there?), living in the streets (it's called getting a job), working in a pub (good job!), being "shunned" by society (because she's _too_ pretty), the Commodore proposing to her (but he's kinda cute!), having to wear a corset (because beauty is pain), being dumped (but haven't we all?), anyone she loves dying (life's a bitch, then you die), killing someone (because, dammit, they had it coming), and being generally unhappy (boo hoo). Of course, Mary Sue never picks just one or two of these burdens. She has to have at least five because only then does she still have something to complain about. But oh well... She just wants attention. Poor thing.

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**Author's Notes: **Hi everyone! I know it's been, what, a year or two since I've updated? Yeah... I would just like to say that I'm absolutely, positively, most definitely, inconceivably, unconditionally, incredibly, indescribably, totally, seriously SORRY! A lot happened in those two years and I simply wasn't in the mood to write. But I was bored one day and I decided to check this page out and I saw all these reviews and I was so touched that I just had to start writing again. So I'm back and hopefully here to stay.

I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! Look out for the next one which will include (finally) plot clichés. Yay!

And now a big thanks to all my awesome reviewers:

**Kilala81** --- **St. Minority** --- **the-sims72** --- **Heldin** --- **Mad Scientist** --- **dreadlockedpencil** --- **doctress** --- **rolinpeaches** --- **MISS-SOPHIA** --- **Leah** --- **Etherea** --- **EternaLei** --- **JillValentine44** --- **Generation Vexed** --- **aaserene** --- **Jemima Aslana** --- **The Flying Breadstick** --- **Nacata** --- **vickevire** --- **Amused** --- **PaleNovember-xx** --- **gwyn** --- **Brown Eyed Girl1** --- **Sonora-Margaret** --- **euphemismsgalore** --- **Star4** --- **Skynyrd Girl** --- **Jesteria Dapper** --- **jack's pirate lass** --- **Jon'ic Recheio** --- **awindowtothepast** --- **xJammi-Jessx** --- **radijs** --- **OrlaithOMuireadhach** --- **Lprchn of Dth** --- **Rinchan** --- **the mighty mighty m **--- **Hell is Freezing Over **--- **the. dead. addict. **--- **MaeveSolis** --- **Kat** --- **Rukia-sama **--- **city-seagull **--- **PyrateGirl** --- **Sairalinde Ancalime **--- **Lahara** --- **cheatachu82**

I effin' love you all!

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